Doubt & Fear

Sometimes we all just have to tell our inner voice to Shut. the. hell. UP.

The other day I was in the weight room, about to do step-ups like my NROWL plan tells me to. I look around for something to step up on and all I see are these purple stackers leaning against a wall. I do the normal thing and ask the employee on duty if they are for stepping up on. He gives me a reluctant yes and tells me some people use them for step ups. This guy’s tone of voice is completely unconvincing, so I hesitantly wander over to said purple things. I try to step up on the edge of them and it’s not working. I eventually figure out that I need the long flat piece that was originally concealed behind a mat. The long flat piece goes on top of the purple stackers. I put a few in the middle and start stepping away. Ten reps in and suddenly I’m on the ground. Putting the purple things in the middle was a terrible idea because it left the whole thing completely unbalanced. It had toppled over while I was stepping. Non-helpful guy comes over and asks if I’m okay. “Does it look like I’m okay, sir? You were no help in assisting me with this step up contraption and now I’m on the floor. Thanks. Thank you.” Those were my thoughts but I just told him I was fine, fixed the stepper so it was more balanced and continued on my merry way. It wasn’t so much embarrasing as it was painful because I had huge welts both on my knees and forearms. They are now a lovely shade of purple/yellow.

Because of this incident, and because I am sometimes anxious in social situations, when I walked into the weight room the other day and saw approximately 302 beefy guys, I instinctively turned right around and walked out. I started toward the exit but stopped myself halfway there. What was I doing? I want to get my strength training in and I’m going to let a bunch of guys intimidate me out of that!? My inner voice was being ridiculous, so I told it to shut up and I got in a very nice strength session. Besides, no one really cares what I’m doing in the gym. They’re focused on themselves and their beefiness.

And then there’s this whole running thing. I know I can run 5 miles without stopping. I did it the other day. But sometimes doubt and fear bubble up and sabotage my workouts. They convince me I’m not good enough and there’s no point in going further because I’m so slow and it hurts and walking would just be easier. And you know what? I am slow. But I’m out there and I’m running. I don’t care that I’m slow. If I keep running, I’ll get faster. The point is that I got up, I got outside and I ran, which is more than the people on the couch can say they did.

So you know what, doubt and fear? I’ve had enough of you. I don’t need you to tell me that marathon training is hard and it hurt sometimes. I don’t need you to tell me that strength training is not easy and intimidating sometimes. I know this. All the more reason to do it. One day I will be able to say, “Look. I did something totally badass.”

I will not let fear and doubt control me.